The Half-Time Report

I have to admit that I'm not big on TV. (I feel like I may have mentioned this before.) I, in fact, rarely watch TV since I always find other ways to distract myself, but big things like the Super Bowl are hard to miss when almost everyone else is discussing it.

Considering the fact that I have been enslaved by Milton's Paradise Lost for the past two weeks, my interest in watching the game dropped to a level lower than my usual apathy. So as my sister was watching the game, I was successfully ignoring it all since all of my attention was focused on deciphering syntax.

But then the half-time show came on, and I stared at the TV. Why? Because my brain went from well-done during the blank verse in the Miltonic epic to completely fried during Madonna's yoga performance. Err... I meant "half-time performance."

Let's get physical. Physical.
"This yoga pose is called the 'Pharaoh Pokes Your Eyes Out.' Do it with me."

I won't lie -- I got a little confused. For some reason, I started thinking of Olivia Newton John's "Physical" music video -- except trust Madonna to bring yoga into it, right? Of course.
It was really awkward, and I may or may not have felt really uncomfortable watching it.
But after a bit of confusion, things got okay because this happened:

Why, hello there, sparklies.

And if you're not amazed by that picture, then you just need to look more carefully. At the shinies. Look at the shinies. Look at them!
And look.
And look.
If you are still not amazed by the wonderful sequined choir robe on Cee Lo Green at this point but are scratching your scalp in confusion, then I'd still warrant that you might be doing it right. Maybe.

Anyways, more pictures and commentary below!
You know you want to read more!
(No, really. Do it!)

Now, half-time performances aren't really well-known as a hotspot for fashion. (I used to watch the Super Bowl to appease my surprisingly football-fever family.) However, Madonna raised the bar this year with a whole show in Givenchy, Phillip Treacy, and Bvlgari.
It started off with Madonna on a gold throne. Fitting for the Queen of Pop, right?

couture by Givenchy
headpiece by Phillip Treacy
jewelry from Bvlgari

And then there was lots of yoga and stretching.
And it felt wrong to be watching the show.

And-- Oh, look. It's LMFAO.

I admit that the whole performance was really awkward for me. Madonna was stretching, contorting, and walking all across the stage... It made me think of an arthritic bird.

I mean, it was pretty cool when one of her backup dancers started performing stunts on a tightrope. But at the same time, I thought, What? What's happening? Where's the continuity? Admittedly, there was a general visual cohesion -- you know, colors and outfits. But otherwise, I'm not sure I quite understood what she was trying to do.

At one point, she went to the DJ stand where LMFAO was, and they helped her do some more yoga.

And it just made me uncomfortable. It seemed like she was out of her element or that -- gasp -- she might be getting a little too old to do dance routines.

Now before you burn me at the stake, you have to realize that she was born in 1958.

READ: She's nearly four years older than half a century's span of time.

READ: We are watching a 53-year-old, albeit a very fit 53-year-old, as she stretches and struts on public television.

Am I the only one who feels weird about this?

I'm afraid that I'll be watching a performance of her one day, and her body's going to do something that it's not supposed to do when she strains a little too hard. And then I'll be scarred for life. (In the meantime, I'll just semi-cringe as I watch her try to do things that her body doesn't seem to want to do.)

But the performance was not entirely weird and discomforting -- in the second half, two artists whom I find delightful came on. Namely, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.

Gotta admit -- I don't know how it happened, but I came to enjoy the two quite a bit. I don't like all of their songs, and I don't positively adore them. (Actually, I don't even really know much about them.) However, I respect them and think that they're good at doing what they do and being who they are.

In any case, the two of them came on to perform Madonna's new song which features them, and it was a fun time. (Can't say I like the song, but I guess that's a moot point since I was excited to see them.)

Although it should be noted that M.I.A. apparently pulled a no-no by giving the middle finger on national television.
Kind of like what happened with Janet Jackson. Except this one was on purpose.

And then, what was perhaps the highlight of the show: Cee Lo Green with Madonna for "Like a Prayer."
First of all, I give this man mad props for being amazing and talented. And I dig his whole vibe. (Let's hark back to his Grammy performance with Gwyneth Paltrow. What is he wearing? Are those muppets? Is that Gwyneth Paltrow? What is this, Avenue Q meets Glee? To this day, I still don't know what happened, but this man got some serious swag points that night, my friends.)

And again at the half-time show, swag points.

And in case you didn't catch it, here's another picture of him in his sequined choir robe... AND HIS SHOES:

ALL HAIL.

His shoes.
HIS SHOES.
Did you see them?
Did you?
Didyoudidyou?
(Maybe you didn't, but a certain someone else definitely caught them... COUGHCOUGH, @TheOriginalMag, COUGHCOUGHCOUGH. It made me supremely happy that someone else was fixating on his shoes.)

Anyways, I have mixed feelings about the performance -- it was certainly very odd and jumbled and confusing and weird. But there was some pretty epic stuff going on which made it worth watching.
And if nothing else, it's at least worth knowing about it so that you can seem culturally informed during dinner parties for the next week or so. You know, knowledge of popular culture as cultural capital and all that.
I dig, I dig.

Anyways, that was your update for current fashion!
And now, back to Paradise Lost -- I have a nice, night-long date with Milton.

Sources: MTV's slideshow for the performances at Super Bowl XLVI, MTV's RapFix, UPI.com